fragments(searching)(revised)

Searching still
in the blindness of my eyes,
in the silence of my mind.
‘Am I dead yet?’… question?… statement?...
Singularity floats on the surface of nothing.
I hold on to it ‘am I dead yet?’
The glimmer of familiarity
within the ocean of senselessness.

I have not known me:
my sight dissolved in dark waters.
‘Am I dead yet?’ screaming, terrifying thought-entity
curled into the circle of repetition.
My mind holds on with the despair
of a legless soldier who was left behind…
With the effort of a man
that start to rebuild his world
around unknown reality
in a newly initiated blindness.

‘Am I dead yet?’ has no meaning, but must…
otherwise the embryo would be swallowed…
it has no past, it knows no death. ‘Am I alive?’
It increases itself cell by cell
into more…

‘Where was I before?’ ‘I am intact… and separated
from the music, broadcast by the car radio into beyond,
from the sunlight, voices of people
rushing from every direction
to aid in the scoop of biology
that used to be familiar…,
trapped in the engineering marvel,
reduced into the state of chaos…,
first time alive, aware to the rhythm of the heartbeat.
It would be surgically extracted in a moment
and given for the recipient.’

…I will know it later,
when my mind will reconstructs the crack in time,
cementing it with the reality of imaginary tales…
Last thing to go – first thing to return,
hearing, that would be it…

Invasion of the sound into singularity
rebooted the system.
The radio was there and I was not.
I felt my heartbeat, my breath was back…
some memories… mind floated at the fringes…
flashing images of quadriplegia with horrors
worst than a death sentence…

I fought it…
‘Wiggle your toes’, was my only argument.
I refused.
Little comfort in the blissfulness of not knowing…

‘Wiggle your toes, coward.’ I caved in, gave up…
more effort that I have ever known…
I send the thought into my toes…
Oh, triumph! It listened…
with symmetry and equality.
Vision was back as a blur of light.
That was not important anymore.
I have surrendered into the hands of others.
I needed rest…

‘Stay with me, stay with me!’ hard hits over my eardrums.
‘Don’t drift, stay with me.’
So I did for a while… but then I thought
‘no more…’

© 2011 by Nina K Orlovskaya