letters (searching still)

searching still
in the blind darkness of my eyes
in the silent nothingness of my mind.
‘am I dead yet?’… question?… statement?...
singularity floats on the surface of nothing.
I hold on to it ‘am I dead yet?’
the glimmer of familiarity within the ocean of senselessness.
I have not known me:
my sight dissolved, drowned in the waters of darkness.
‘am I dead yet?’ screaming, terrifying thought-entity
curled into the circle of repetition,
my mind holds onto it with the despair
of a legless soldier that was left behind..
with the effort of a newly initiated blindness
of a blind man who starts to rebuild his world
around the unknown reality.
‘am I dead yet?’ has no meaning, but must…
otherwise the embryo would be swallowed…
it has no past, it knows no death. ‘am I alive?’
it increases itself cell by cell
into more…

‘where was I before?’ ‘I am intact… and separated
from the music, broadcast by the car radio into beyond,
from the sunlight, voices of the people
rushing from every direction
to aid in the scoop of biology
that used to be familiar…
trapped into the engineering marvel
that was reduced into the state of chaos…
first time alive, aware to the rhythm of the heartbeat,
that would be surgically extracted in a moment
and given for the recipient.’

…I will know it later,
when my mind will reconstructs the crack in time,
cementing it with the reality of imaginary tales…
last thing to go – first thing to return, considering the distance…
hearing, that would be it…
invasion of the sound into singularity
rebooted the system.
the radio was there and I was not,
I felt my heartbeat, my breath was back…
some memories… mind floats at the fringes…
flashing images of quadriplegia with horrors
worst than a death sentence…
I fought it… ‘wiggle your toes!’, was my only argument.
I refuse it, little comfort in the blissfulness
of not knowing…
‘wiggle your toes, coward!’ I caved in, gave up…
more effort that I have ever known…
I send the signal into my toenails…
o sweet triumph! It listened…
with beautiful response of symmetry and equality..
vision was back as a blur of light,
and that was not important anymore.
I have surrendered into the hands of others
I needed rest…
‘stay with me, stay with me!’ hard hits over my eardrums..
‘don’t drift, stay with me!’
so I did for a while… but then I thought
‘no more…’
…gone…